Baseball Toaster Bronx Banter
If I Was Any Closer to You I'd Be Behind You
2004-11-05 08:54
by Alex Belth
Note: The Bronx Banter blog has moved to

Willie's in. Could Tino be next (say it ain't so)? Mel? We still don't know. Not much more than gossip and rumors today, so I thought I'd offer up something completely different, a couple of epistolary nuggets from the desk of Julius Marx:

To Chico Marx

March, 1942

Dear Chico,

My Favorite Picture Producer was at our hourse for dinner the other night and each year he eats progressivley louder. The sucking of chicken bones and corn on the cob (a terrible mistake, I realize now) could be heard from miles around. Many people thought it was an air raid and began drawing the blackout curtains and dousing the lights.

We then proceeded, at his insistnt behest, to the loges of the Pantages Theater where he snored through two of the longest pictures since the beginning of the talkies.

Tune in again next week for another thrilling chapter of the little fat man with the sucking cavities.

In the meantime, always examine the dice.


From McCall's Magazine

April 8, 1963

Dear Mr. Marx:

Could you send us a few quick notes about cars in connection with an article we are planning for summer?

...If you drive, we would like to have a list of the items you keep in your glove compartment. What "extras" do you wish glove compartments had room to hold?...and many thanks.


Bernice Conner
Senior Editor, McCall's

April 15, 1963

Dear Miss Conner:

You ask what I keep in my glove compartment. The last time I looked I had a woman's bikini, one half a cheese sandwcih without mustard and a letter from the finance company saying that if I don't pay the $5,000 I own on the $5,000 car, they will take the matter into their own hands. If they do, they'll find it pretty messy in that glove compartment.

Any further information you may want will have to come from my attorneys, Schrecklichtheit, Schrecklichtheit and Meyer.

Sincerely yours,

Groucho Marx

I think he forgot a Schrecklichtheit. Or was it Hungadunga?

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